My Arse, My Rules. Bum Fun, Backdoor Business and My Very Personal Confession About Anal Sex.

Let us begin with an uncomfortable fact. Roughly a third of women have tried anal sex. Only about 13 percent had done it in the previous year, and fewer than 5 percent did it the last time they had sex.

So when someone tells you “women are into it now”, what they actually mean is “women tried it, and most of them did not rush back.”

Sit with that while I take your assumptions apart.

Porn Has Been Gaslighting You Since You Were Fourteen

One study found penile-anal sex in nearly one in five porn scenes. In real life, 4 percent of people said it was part of their most recent sexual encounter. That is not a trend. That is a marketing campaign.

Porn presents anal as spontaneous, effortless, unlubricated and universally adored by the woman, who moans as though she has just been handed a lottery cheque. There is no warm-up, no negotiation, no pause and no awkward conversation about whether she actually wants this.

Those people are paid professionals who prepare for the scene. Your girlfriend is not. She is a human being with a sphincter that clenches when she is nervous, which is exactly what it is designed to do.

Only 14 Percent of Women Find It Appealing. Read That Again.

In one nationally representative US study, 14 percent of women said anal sex was appealing, and 72 percent reported pain. In a focus-group study of 32 women who had done it, only 10 described it as enjoyable. Almost all of them still preferred vaginal sex.

I am not saying nobody enjoys it. Some women love it, and good for them. I am saying that “everyone secretly loves it” is a lie told by people who benefit from you believing it.

Who Profits From the Myth That Every Woman Secretly Wants It?

The porn industry. Anal appears in nearly one in five porn scenes, while only 4 percent of people say it was part of their last real-life encounter. That gap is not an accident. A woman who looks delighted, unprepared and pain-free is the product. If viewers learn that real women need warm-up, lube, patience and the right to stop, the fantasy stops selling. Pain-free, negotiation-free, consequence-free anal is a marketing category, and the customer is the one who ends up believing it is documentary.

The man who wants it and does not want to ask properly. If “most girls like it on the quiet”, then a woman saying no is not a boundary. She is being coy, and his fifth request is not pressure. It is a helpful nudge towards something she was always going to enjoy. Researchers interviewing young people in England found exactly this logic, the belief that everyone secretly likes it sat comfortably alongside the belief that it will hurt her. Those two ideas contradict each other, and they coexisted anyway, because together they made persistence feel reasonable. It is a brilliant system if you are the one persisting.

The men who treat it like a scoreboard. The same research recorded men describing anal as “something we do for a competition” and repeating the charming slogan “every hole’s a goal”. If the act is a trophy, her enjoyment is irrelevant, but the myth that she loves it keeps everyone’s conscience clean. Nobody has to ask whether she wanted to be a notch on someone’s belt if the story is that she was thrilled.

The culture that rewards women for performing enthusiasm. This one is sneakier. Women are told they should be adventurous, unshockable and “not like other girls”, so saying “actually, I didn’t like it” can feel like admitting you failed a personality test. Researchers describe a pressure on women to look as though they have freely chosen whatever matches male fantasy. Women have reported doing it to please a partner, avoid an argument or avoid seeming boring. The myth is what makes honesty feel expensive.

Anyone selling “advanced sex” as an aspiration. Listicles, locker-room chat and sex-tips content all push the idea that anal is the next level you should unlock. A level implies you are behind if you have not reached it. Nobody is behind. You cannot fall behind at something you were never obliged to do.

Notice who is missing from that list. The woman herself. She gets nothing from the myth except pressure, a worse first experience and a quieter “no”.

The women who genuinely love it do not need the myth either. They are the ones who say, “I like this, this is what works, and this is what I need”, and they are the best evidence that enthusiasm cannot be manufactured on someone else’s behalf. If your version of “she loves it” depends on her not being allowed to say otherwise, it is not love. It is a business model.

Why Your First Time Probably Hurt (Spoiler: It Was Not Your Fault)

Between 79 and 80 percent of women in one study said their first experience was painful. Nearly half in another study had to stop because it was unbearable.

The reason is not that you are “uptight”. The anus does not self-lubricate. The sphincter is a muscle built to stay shut. Rush it, skimp on lube or ignore her tension and you get burning, tearing and a woman who will never trust your timing again.

If anyone has ever told you to “just relax”, please understand that nobody has ever relaxed on command while being hurt. That is not advice. It is an excuse.

The Women Who Love It Are Not Doing It the Way Porn Does

Here is the plot twist that nobody selling you a fantasy wants you to hear. In a study of women aged 18 to 93, about 40 percent enjoyed external touch around the anus, and about 35 percent enjoyed shallow internal touch. Those numbers are far higher than for full penetration.

Trust me on this, the women who enjoyed it described the same process and conditions again and again, a long warm-up, plenty of lube, clitoral stimulation at the same time, a partner who made it feel safe, and complete control over pace and depth. Nearly 40 percent of those who enjoyed any anal touch said it made other touch feel better, and more than a quarter said it made orgasms more intense.

Most also said it took time to learn. More than half did not enjoy external touch the first time, and about two thirds did not enjoy penetration at first. Enjoyment was learned slowly, and only where she was the one steering.

Notice what is missing from that list: speed, thrusting, force and “just trust me.” Every one of those is a porn trope with a man’s logic attached, and none of them appears in what women who enjoy it actually describe.

The Porn Scripts That Have Nothing to Do With Her Pleasure

The ambush. In porn, anal arrives without warning, usually mid-scene, with no conversation. Real life gave us the “it slipped” defence, which researchers in England noted can let people gloss over penetration that was deliberate and non-consensual. One man later admitted his “slip” was no accident. Accidents do not require a second interview to correct.

The instant yes. In porn women never hesitate, wince or ask for a pause. So when a real woman does, the man reads it as a glitch, not information. Her hesitation is data. His porn education has taught him to treat it as a bug.

The dry delivery. Lube barely exists on screen. A male actor might lick his hand and rub his cock, or spit on her ass, trust ladies and gents that is not enough! Some young men in the UK research did not realise lube and slow penetration mattered for avoiding pain, and the study noted that slower techniques were rarely discussed. That is a very expensive and painful gap in your education.

The jackhammer. Porn equates intensity with enjoyment, faster, deeper, harder, with the woman’s face as the applause. Her eyes roll back, she bites her bottom lip and suddenly she lost in a world of pleasure. The reality is the opposite, shallow, gradual, paced by them. Speed is not passion. It is just speed.

The no-eye-contact angle. Mainstream porn tends to position the woman so that she is a body, not a person. You cannot check in with someone you are not looking at.

What the Women Who Love It Describe Instead

Not one of them describes an ambush, a jackhammer or a favour. They describe a long warm-up, more lube than anyone thought necessary, clitoral stimulation alongside, control over depth and pace, and a partner who noticed when she tensed and slowed down without being asked. Most had to learn to enjoy it over time.

That is not a lower-intensity version of the porn script. It is a different script entirely, and it is the only one where her pleasure shows up.

So if your version of anal sex requires speed, force, surprise and her silence, you are not following a sexual preference. You are following a script written for a camera, by people who were never going to ask how she felt.

Want to Know Why So Many Men Push for It? It Is Not Romantic.

Tightness. Taboo. Dominance. Bragging rights. A porn-coded belief that this is the “final level” of sex.

Research on young people in England found a script in which men were expected to persuade, women were expected to resist, and pain was treated as inevitable. Some men described “just keep going till they get fed up”. Some “accidents” were not accidents at all. That study involved teenagers, but anyone who thinks the script magically disappears at eighteen has not been paying attention.

Up to a quarter of women with anal experience report being pressured into it at least once. That is not kink. That is a hostage negotiation with a duvet.

If the question in your head is “how do I get her to say yes?”, you have already lost. The question is whether she wants to, and whether you can hear “no”, “not tonight” or “not ever” without sulking.

The Health Stuff Nobody Wants on a Mood Board

Unprotected receptive anal sex is the highest-risk sexual activity for HIV transmission, because the rectal lining is thin and tears easily. Chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, herpes, HPV and hepatitis B can all travel this route. So can gut bacteria, which is why you never go from anal to vaginal or oral without changing the condom and washing.

So here is the unsexy checklist, and it is non-negotiable:

Use a condom, and use water-based or silicone lube, because oil wrecks latex. Use far more lube than you think you need. Go slowly and stop at sharp or persistent pain. Never use numbing creams, because they switch off the warning signal that tells you tissue is being damaged. Get tested regularly, including rectal swabs where relevant, and ask a clinician about PrEP if HIV status or partners are uncertain. A little spotting can happen, but heavy bleeding, severe pain or fever means a doctor.

Repeated painful or rough penetration has also been linked to long-term pelvic floor problems, including anal pain and faecal incontinence. Pain is not a badge of honour. It is a smoke alarm.

The Verdict Nobody Asked For

Anal sex is not dirty, shameful or inherently dangerous. It is also not a rite of passage, a loyalty test or a gift women owe men for being nice.

Women who enjoy it deserve to say so without being treated as a porn trope. Women who do not deserve to say so without being treated as a problem to solve.

If you are the one who wants it, your job is to be the kind of person someone can say yes to safely. That means asking once, accepting the answer, and not turning a “no” into a project.

If you are the one being asked, you are allowed to be curious without being obliged. You can try something, hate it, and never mention it again.

The hottest thing in the room has never been a body part. It is someone who listens.

Now go and update your assumptions.

The Career Ms 💋