When a Friendship Exists Only in a Group
FRIENDSHIP/RELATIONSHIPS
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
— Elbert Hubbard
My daughter recently told me about a friend she has known for years and always considered a good friend. Lately, though, she has been bothered by something she cannot quite put her finger on.
Her friend never seems particularly interested in spending time with her unless other people are going to be there, too.
My daughter has tried several times to make plans with her. She even invited her to her birthday celebration, knowing there would be several people there whom her friend did not know. Her friend chose not to come.
I could understand why that would hurt.
When we think of someone as a good friend, we naturally assume that person enjoys our company. We expect that sometimes she will want to sit across from us over a cup of coffee, have lunch, take a walk, or simply spend an afternoon together. Friendship, at least to me, has always meant more than being happy to see someone when a group gets together.
Her experience made me think about my own friendships.
For years, I belonged to a birthday group of about ten women. We would get together at restaurants to celebrate one another’s birthdays. I enjoyed those evenings. They are all kind, generous women, and over the years I have enjoyed getting to know each of them.
Recently, though, I decided to step away from the group.
Part of the reason was practical. I have been busy with my son’s wedding and had more commitments than usual. However, if I’m being completely honest with myself, there was another reason. I realized I didn’t miss the group as much as I thought I would.
That surprised me.
Looking back, most of our time together revolved around the birthday club or an occasional party. We weren’t really spending much time together outside of those gatherings. There are probably only three of those ten women whom I would naturally call and ask to do something just the two of us.
That realization made me think about the difference between being part of someone’s social circle and actually being a friend.
I enjoy my friendships one-on-one. When two people are together, there is more room for a real conversation. We can talk about what is happening in our lives, what is worrying us, what we are looking forward to, or something that has been on our minds. We have time to listen to each other without competing with six other conversations happening around the table.
Groups have their place, of course. Some of my happiest memories involve dinners, parties, vacations, and other gatherings with several friends. But group friendships and individual friendships are not always the same thing.
Which brings me back to my daughter’s situation.
What should we make of it when someone consistently avoids spending time with us alone?
Perhaps she simply feels more comfortable in a group. Maybe she doesn’t think anything of it. Some people are naturally more social in a group setting, while others prefer the quieter connection that comes from being with one person.
However, sometimes, I wonder if it tells us something about the friendship.
Perhaps she doesn’t feel as close to us as we feel to her. Perhaps she enjoys our company but thinks of us mainly as part of a larger circle. Or perhaps the two of us simply have different ideas about what friendship should look like.
I don’t think every friendship has to be equally close. As we get older, we meet people at different stages of our lives, and some friendships naturally remain on the surface while others deepen over time. There is nothing wrong with that.
What can be difficult is realizing that we may have placed a friendship in a different category than the other person did.
Maybe that is what bothered my daughter. It wasn’t simply that her friend declined an invitation. It was the realization that she might not hold the friendship in quite the same place.
And perhaps that is something we all encounter eventually.
When someone repeatedly chooses the group but not you, do you take it personally? Or do you accept that the friendship may not be as close as you once believed?
I think, with age, we become a little better at accepting that not every friendship is meant to be a close one. We can appreciate people for the place they have in our lives without expecting more from them than they are willing to give.
Still, I believe there is something special about the friend who wants to see you when no one else is around.
The friend who calls just to talk.
The friend who asks you to lunch because she wants to catch up with you, not because it happens to be someone’s birthday.
Those are the friendships I have come to value most.
I believe that is the real measure of friendship. Not how many people are sitting around the table, but whether someone would still choose to sit across the table from you when it is just the two of you.
What do you think? Have you ever had a friendship where someone seemed happy to see you in a group but reluctant to spend time with you one-on-one? How did it make you feel, and what did you eventually come to understand about the friendship?
B.R. Shenoy is a lifestyle writer and the owner/editor of The Family Desk on Medium. She also publishes Musings and Reflections, a newsletter on Substack, and is the coauthor of The Invisible Lines of Poverty.
